dumb female driver hits mattress.

This is what happens when a dumb retarded female driver hits a mattress.

dirty lightswitch plate.

this is sick, jesus with a hard on.

my fave Fml strories

Today, my daughter in law sent me another romantic text that was meant for her husband. Not only can't she spell for shit, the clichés she uses are horrifyingly embarrassing. The fact this keeps happening makes me want to slam her head in the oven. FML

some responses

1Sure it was meant for her husband???
2At least she tries to please him - (low class slut person is probably a bore in bed btw) - you sound like a nightmare in law. Lucky for me mine aren't like you!

Today, I showed up at my sister's baby shower, only to find out she would spend half the night reciting her husband's god-awful baby worship poetry, and then play Celine Dion "music" while we practically emptied our wallets into her hands. I'm ashamed to be related to this freeloading c*nt. FML

1I really don't see why it is so horrible for them to be enjoying a baby shower of a soon to be new born child. Also, at baby showers everyone gives gifts to help out with expenses of a new born and just to welcome the child. i think, op, that you are just a prick.

2Douchebag or stuck up daddys girl cheerleader....
3When I see people like that it makes me not want to live on this planet anymore
4Celine Dejoneze is bad
Paying out cash also bad
But poetry? That's too F'ing cruel!

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

1Nope, you don't feed those tweakers
2Little bipolar bastard.
3I suggest throwing flaming cow turds, but that's just me
4aThis kid is going places.
4bYeah, the guidance councilor's office.
4cMental institution more like it.
5Halloween's an emotional time in a young boys life; Strangers constantly putting their hands in and around your sack.
6Next time he comes over for "Halloween" get a bowl full of rice and say, "please take one".
7is he mental? and where are the parents?
8I see a mental institution in that kid's future.
9The kid is fucked up. Next year on Halloween, have a garden hose ready for him.
10I remember one Halloween, my best friend an I knocked on a door. The man was very drunk an felt bad he didnt have any more candy. He said "Wait a minute lil dudes" He came back an dropped two baked sweet potatoes into our Halloween bag and some mustard and sweet an low packets Weirdest trick or treat "candy" ever.


Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

1This is your typical father and son moment.
2I hope his son hasn't started having memories yet. It would suck to remember grabbing your dads dick when you got older D:


more to com

cellphone law breaker

I caught this cellphone law breaker in a parking lot on the cellphone. I like how she continues driving after i asked why is she on her cell phone while driving. the last time i checked it is still illlegal to drive with a cellphone in the state of california.

I hate this person because she does not respect our laws on cellphones and driving, she has no regard for people she might kill one day because of her selfish behavior.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlRdAdbf8Eg

I also put this on youtube.com I admit I hate people who drive while on the phone, I think the worse ones are the one who text while driving. mayby this video will show other people to not do this selffish behavior because there are people who is watcing them.

nuns and halloween

She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.


She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes!, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

hookers

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination
and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door . "

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER

when bored at a walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
5. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
6. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
7. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels
8. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
9. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again." .....and last but not least,
10. Go into a fitting room and yell loudly, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"